Slip Slop Slapper


I am a slip slop slapper! Let me explain.

Sunburn is an occupational hazard for all sailors. Every year I manage to get my forehead sunburnt. The combination of salt water, sun and wind is corrosive at the best of times. Completely ruinous to our pale European complexions . I know better but always seem to forget that even early on in the season, Factor 200 must be worn at all times.

I sometimes think it’s amazing how quickly culture, science and attitudes evolve. If I look back on my 50 something years on Earth, times have certainly changed.One thing that I think has radically been rethought are the advances and attitudes towards sun protection. Things have certainly come a long way since I was a child.

I have to say Mum was very due diligent with the ample slatherings of Ambre Solaire. I was marinated in more grease than a basted Christmas turkey and smelt like a walking Bounty Bar. Half the sand from the beach was normally rubbed in too. At the age of 5 I had no idea exfoliation would soon catch on as a must have beauty treatment. At the time it was just bloody painful.

As a teenager, like a lot of girls of my era, I had to have a tan, and this was before the advent of TOWIE. I shudder when I think of this but my choice of sun protection was either  Johnsons Baby oil, or Mazola. Another trick was to cover a  piece of cardboard  in silver foil and reflect the sun back on to my face!  Believe me if I thought it was going to make me brown, I have used it.

Can you imagine teenagers doing this now?  Because I certainly can’t.So I thought I would look at the different types of sunburn to be avoid.

The ‘Not The Face!’ Burn

This is where you have diligently put on a beanie and sunnies, but forgot about the rest of your body.  Maybe you wanted a body tan without the ageing qualities of face wrinkles. However the pain will definitely outweigh your choice to wear a hat in the first place.

The ‘I was only outside for 10 minutes’ Burn

You might be just been going down the river, or stepping ashore for lunch. You’re not even in a swimsuit, and yet your face and shoulders have the tinge  of lobster thermidor.  You should really be wearing an SPF in your daily moisturising to avoid situations like this. Men take note. That includes that bald spot.

The ‘I Actually Wanted a Tan So I Did This on Purpose’ Burn

The classic error of most Benidorm bound Brits. They have yet to learn that the sun is their enemy. So they go out with their coconut oil and deliberately lie out in the full sun for hours, rotating at intervals to get an even fry. When they return to their  hotel rooms they realise that instead of the even brown copper tone they were going for, they have the texture and sheen of a hot peeled tomato.

The ‘Invisible Flipflop’ Burn

Who puts suncream on their feet? Nobody has the flexibility or foresight to do that. I fall into this catagory. I permanently have flip flop seared branded feet.

The ‘I wore a fancy strappy vesty thing’ Burn

This burn is like the invisible flip flop burn except all over your upper body. Instead of thinking you look like a beach fashion babe, you have in fact a burn similar to a semi-permanent neck tattoo. A choice that seemed cool at the time but will show up very badly on a classy evening in the yacht club bar.

The ‘I tried’ Burn

This is the burn where you’ve clearly made some effort to apply suncream, but have missed spots. Streaks or patches appear because you have slapped it on in a hurry as an afterthought. . The patchy coverage leaves piebald proof that suncream is indeed effective if you actually put it on evenly.

The Australian “Slip, Slop, Slap campaign is drummed in to Aussie kids from a very early age and with good reason, Sun induced skin cancer in Australia kills over 2,000 each year and its on the rise in Western Europe too
So…..Slip on a shirt, Slop on the sunscreen and become a Slapper with a hat.