Marinas and their indigenous residents

Marina Residents

Marina residents are a fascinating bunch of characters. Every marina will have a version of these indigenous types. They come from all walks of life but all with one purpose and that is to enjoy their boat.

The  First-Timer

Not normally their very first boat but have upgraded from trailing for one requiring a marina mooring. Looks like a rabbit stuck in headlights. wondering what the hell they have done.

Always spotted wearing life jackets at all times even if they are safely propping up the club bar. Their constant companion is the tide time booklet a and an old copy of Reeds almanac. Insists on calling the bow and stern the “pointy bit” and the “arse end”. Husband and wife have a wardrobe of matching nautical sweaters.

This type of boat owner  gets their crew (wife) to meticulously cast off all lines as they attempt to  leave the mooring only to find they have left the electric cable plugged into shore power.

Come on we have all done it.

Often go by the names of Howard and Hilda

The Gin Palace Owner

There are 2 sub categories of this type of resident. New money and old money.

GPO – Old Money.

Husband and wife have sailed for years but have had to give up the sticks and rags as a spot of rheumatism is begining to set in. Life long members of the yacht club, they still sit on the committee as rally/social secretary. Often found moored outside Cowes with huge amounts of family onboard sipping vast amounts of gin. Normal uniform is a club blazer and tie and for the wife cashmere twinset, pearls, and slacks (never trousers)

Charles and Fiona Double Barrelled Surname or Charlie and Feefee to friends.

GPO – New money

Not hard to spot due to their dress code. Look closely and as well as the suspiciously deep tan you’ll find that those ripped jeans are in fact £600 Dolce and Gabanas while the plain-looking deck shoes are limited edition Balenciagas.

If in doubt, sneak a glance at their wrist, they can’t resist splashing the cash on an expensive watch.

Always accompanied by a painfully stylish WAG who  spends the day teetering down the pontoons in ten-storey Louboutin stilettos with flowing hair extensions tangling in the breeze. Enormous sunglasses and a pink skin-tight outfit are a must, as is a tan in a deep shade of Coppercoat.

Boat never seems to go anywhere as the resident WAG shudders in horror at  the thought of not being able to reach her manicurist/hairdresser at a moments notice. And the chihuahua is seasick

Go by the names of Dwayne and Chantelle

The Family Boater

All he wants to do is have a nice day out with the family and his idea is to go fishing. He staggers  onboard laden down with fishing gear and bait boxes
His poor wife follows closely at his heels with a trolley load of Tesco food bags, a cold box for the drinks, small portable BBQ, wet weather clothing , warm weather clothing and wetsuits. She is hoping for an afternoon reading this weeks edition of  “Woman’s Weekly” and sipping warm Chardonnay.
Young son bounds along the pontoon laden down with  water skis, inflatable donut, kayak, snorkels, fins and paddleboard.
Bringing up the rear is  teenage daughter who is moaning constantly about  how bad for the environment motorboats are. She alternates between taking endless “selfies”, texting and talking to her BFF in monosyllabic terms such as “yah”, “no way”, “whatever”. Her day is ruined as soon as they reach the mouth of the river.
No 3G  – “Quelle horreurs”
The Grey Family, Graham, Gillian, Gary and Gayle

Grizzled Seafarer

Grizzled sailor
Grizzled Sailor

This is the type of person most people think of when they picture a boater, and the truth is they do exist; they’re just not as common as you might think.

The grizzled seafarer has spent years in the Merchant Navy and has the sea in his blood. He is always found on a sailing boat, MOBO’s are a complete anathema to him It his boat that gives him away.  that has seen some serious weather. Mismatched fenders dangle from the sides accompanied by weathered and frayed  ropes. GS’s love to discuss the finer points of their favourite type of knot, wearing a knitted jumper and a stained and greasy cap  regardless of the weather. They permanently have an  expression of serene superiority.

You find them propping up the bar with a pint of real ale, retelling the heroics of their latest single-handed trip in a force 10 westerly.

Normally have an ex navy name such as Old Sam or “Bosun”