As you have got this far, I thought I would tell you about us and the history of our boats. Roger and I had never owned boats in our previous lives. We live close to the sailing mecca of the UK but it just didn’t cross our minds.
Every year the River Hamble hosts a regatta at Bursledon. Each year has a different theme and in 2005 it was the bicentennial of the Battle of Trafalgar. The afternoon consists of a flotilla of small boats dressed to reflect the theme. We thought it would be fun to celebrate one of our finest Naval battles, so we set out to find a small boat.
Dijon Cuddy Cabin
We bought our first boat for £800 from eBay. A little Dijon cuddy cabin with an outboard. We lovingly repainted her and replaced the windows. I made some cushions for the cabin. we had a glorious summer pottering around the Solent. By this time we are both smitten and decide to upgrade the size so we can sleep overnight on her. We sold her for £2000
Our next purchase is a Shetland 570. She was also a bit of project but we had her looking smart in a season. At last we could sleep & cook onboard. We had 6 years of amazing fun sailing inland and coastal waters. But…. I was getting too old to keep cooking on my knees and I wanted hot water and more space.
I now had my creature comforts. But Roger was unhappy as the heads were too small for him to comfortably use them. We had further cruising distance, more comfort, more space but still something was missing. we compiled a ‘bucket list’ of our our ideal boat.
heads that Roger could get in and use
diesel inboard engine (the last 3 boats had petrol outboards)
separate cabin so I didn’t have to pack away a V berth everyday
Hardy Seawings 277
Finally we get to play with the big boys. Jessica ticks all the boxes.
Admiral Lord Nelson is still one of our most outstanding and brilliant Naval officers of all times. One of our greatest salty sea dogs.
(29 September 1758 – 21 October 1805). A British flag officer in the Royal Navy, Nelson is noted for his inspirational leadership. His superb grasp of strategy and unconventional tactics resulted in a number of decisive naval victories, particularly during the Napoleonic Wars. Wounded several times in combat, losing one arm in the unsuccessful attempt to conquer Santa Cruz de Tenerife and the sight in one eye in Corsica. He was shot and killed during his final victory at the Battle of Trafalgar in 1805.
“Salty Sea Dog” is nautical slang for experienced sailors who spend much of their life at sea.
The “Sea Dogs“ were English pirates at the time of Elizabeth I of England and were also known as Elizabethan Pirates.
Our Salty Sea Dog……
(14th November 2014). Our rescue labrador noted for his complete lack of any discipline and selective deafness. Chocolate labradors are renown for being as thick as a plank. He has an obsession for all things ball shaped, toilet rolls and odd socks. He possesses unconventional habits such as drinking from the toilet and howling at the moon. This has resulted in total devastation wherever he goes. I will shoot him if he chews the TV remote again.
Being a labrador, he adores water. Any water. Be it muddy, stagnant , smelly or salty. He is not fussy.
So it is completely natural that he loves the boat. Being on it, trying to jump off it or just snoozing on it.
Repairs and renovations make up a big part of being a boat owner. Apart from the glaring obvious that cars don’t float, Boats are not like cars in the fact that they age much better than cars. A 20 year old boat is still very serviceable where as a 20 year old car is likely to be a rust bucket.
But like anything that gets old everything tends to date and show their age. We bought JESSICA a year ago and she is a 1998 build making her 18 years old. Like any teenager she was in need of a cosmetic make over.
Before I go any further you need to know an important fact. That is this…… BOAT stands for Break Out Another Thousand.
Marine retailers think we boaters are all minted and they have a nasty habit of adding an extra zero to all prices. Go to a caravan/motorhome retailer and the prices are not so eye wateringly obscene. Same products though.
First to go was the cabin carpet. It was minging. Salty, sticky, smelly, just plain revolting.
We went and got quotes for marine carpeting. “How Much” we shrieked indignantly after picking ourselves up off the floor in horror
I’m thinking – It can’t be that hard. So off we trot to the Carpet Warehouse. We find exactly what we want at a fraction of the price quoted. eBay produces the carpet binding. So far so good. We cut a patten from the old carpet, use paper clips to pin the binding in place and whip out the sewing machine.
I have to stress at this point that my sewing machine is from Tesco’s, not an industrial flat bed. We also see that the dinning room table is not big enough to swing large pieces of carpet through. So in the spirit of DIY we move everything to the conservatory floor were Roger helps to feed the carpet around.
It was a labour of love to say the least. a few domestic arguments later and we have a lovely new cabin carpet.
Boat upholstery takes a real hammering. Constantly exposed to salt, damp air, damp salty people and our case damp salty dog.
Jessica’s cabin upholstery was actually in quite good condition but it was tired and dated. So I thought I would take on a task on monumental proportions and tackle the upholstery myself.
Staples and more staples.
Resourcing the material and replacement foam on eBay was simple. I begin with the 2 beds/cots. Easy peasy as the mattresses are rectangular in shape with no piping.
Feeling very pleased with myself I turn to the cabins V berth. This consists of 3 squabs, 3 back panels and a table infill. My idea is to deconstruct each piece and make patterns for the new material. Easier said than done. I have never seen so many wretched stables. It takes me 5 hours to take apart just one backboard but I am rewarded with perfect patterns a few blisters and a couple of missing finger nails.
My next headache is make sure that the stripes all run the same way. Why did I not choose plain material and make my life easier?
Piping is a complete mystery to me but I have managed to sew it on in all the right places. Now came the really tricky bit, getting the contours on the seats and backs right. This requires about 8 pairs of hands and a load more of the damn staples. After stuffing the squabs with foam the fruits of of my labour are finally coming to light.
The hard wood trims were easy in comparison, I just set to with a hot glue gun. Finally the whole ensemble was sprayed to an inch of its life with waterproof fabric protector, red wine can be a killer to upholstery.
Would I do it again? Watch this space.
Jessica posses windscreen wipers only on the captains side of the boat. Being mere crew I have to stare out of a rain and salt smeared window. Spotting cruise ships, ferries and the odd errant yacht is becoming a pain so Roger being Roger has decided to fit a set of wipers to my side.
We split up and start wander around various wrecks and write offs looking for a certain windscreen wiper. We need two. One needs to be a left hand mount the other a right hand mount. Don’t ask as I have no idea why.
A shout goes up and I find Roger with a large grin on his face. He is standing in front of what can only be described as a rusting skeleton of a car. Out of his pocket he produces a very large screw driver and a humongous pair of mole grips and starts attacking the rear boot with the finesse of a butcher.
Me thinks he has done this before. Obviously signs of a misspent youth but you didn’t hear it from me.
Finally the windscreen motor parts company from the boot lid and we have a right hand mount. Whoopee do!
The hunt continues for the left hand one. I am slowly losing the will to live. Half an hour later we have what we need. We saunter back to the main office where we part with the princely sum of £15. (New ones would have cost hundreds).
Roger is going to fit the new wipers and motors when Jessica comes out for annual maintenance in January. I will let you know how we get on.
The cockpit upholstery is the final frontier of an epic task. This upholstery takes the most punishment, open to the elements when the canopy is down and to the sun and heat when the canopy is closed. The original vinyl is grubby and there is a tear to the back of the captains helms seat.
So it all has to come off.
Yup you got it, millions of staples. and they all have to come out.
Only when we get all the staples out do I realise it is them that hold the whole seat together, no wonder there are so many.
Finally we expose the plywood and its all rotten so Roger cuts me some lovely new pieces. The foam is shot so back to online foam shop to get some more. I discover the joys of sewing pleated foam backed vinyl. The foam jams the needle several times and the pleats stretch. Deep joy.
Getting the seats (captains and crew) back together is a bit like a krypton factor challenge. We need 8 pairs of hands. After all my moaning we put back as many staples as we have taken out – the shame of it. But they look great
The remaining cockpit cushions are a piece of cake in comparison. The old foam was so wet it left puddles on the garage floor! Didn’t smell too good either. This time we have encased the foam in a waterproof membrane.
With hindsight I would not have used pleated vinyl as it does trap dog hair and dirt in the grooves but I think all plain would not have looked quite right. Put it this way, I am not taking out all those damn staples again to find out!
The heads were at the top of our bucket list when looking at buying Jessica. Our first boat was very much a “bucket and chuck it” job. Our previous boat did have a built in toilet and shower but it was built for a 4ft oompa lumpa with the physique of a racing snake. Roger who stands 6ft 2 and is slightly larger could not get in and close the door. Showering became a spectator sport. Hence my obsession of finding a boat with bigger heads.
Jessica ticks all the boxes. Light, airy, easy to keep clean and Roger can shower with the door shut. I immediately removed the curtains and put frosted film on the windows. Soggy curtains? No thanks.
We knew we had a problem the first time we used the shower. it is one of those pull out and attach hose to wall type. Problem is that the hose is too stiff and so flies off the clip when too much water pressure is turned on. Not very funny when your eyes are full of shampoo and you are trying to pin down a snaking torrent of water. I quickly changed this to one of those chrome hoses that bends. Sorted.
The other slight modification we have made is the sink. Why Hardy think we need 10 inch deep sink is beyond me. Fill it and you empty the water tank, put a small dribble in it and you can’t get your face in to wash it. Useless! So out it came to be replaced with a delicate shallow bowl. Much more usable.
Our Poop Deck
Most marinas provide excellent showering facilities, some of them on par with 5 star hotels. But its no fun walking half a mile down a pontoon in the pouring rain after a warm shower. We love and use our little heads.
If you think I am obsessed with sea toilets, you are right, I am. Read my last post and you will understand why.
Why do sea toilets smell so bad and stink the boat out especially when she’s been left for a week or two? And as we all know, the longer you are away from the boat, the worse it gets.
Its all so embarrassing.
It’s happened to all of us at one time or another. You invite your friends for a weekend on the boat they arrive full of expectation but as you unlock the cabin door, everybody recoils at the smell!
Truth is that nobody’s really worked out why it happens. Until now!
Everybody thought it’s what goes into the toilet that causes the problem. Fact is that it’s the water you’re flushing the toilet with that’s the main problem!
Sea or river water is full of living organisms, like, algae, plankton, microscopic bacteria, etc.
When these organisms go into the inlet pipe of a marine toilet they’re starved of oxygen and light, so they die and decompose.
That’s the smell!
Even if you flush with fresh water you can have the same bacterial problems in the hoses and still end up with a smelly marine toilet because of smelly hoses running through the bilges. Trouble is that marine hose is porous and minute bacteria can actually penetrate the structure of the hose itself.
So how to combat this with out resorting than a shed load of environmental unfriendly chemicals? One piece advice I was given was to use bog standard fabric conditioner – yes you heard that right.
The conditioner prevents solids from sticking as much to the tank and lines.
Don’t ask me why But it does seem to work. Thank god for Comfort
Those of you who have lived in a house with a cess tank will understand exactly where I am coming from.
When you buy a boat you get a handover just like buying a new car. This is make sure you know where all the seacocks are and how everything works. On our JESSICA handover we were shown the mysteries of our sea toilet and holding tank. We were told that the tank was empty and that the tank was closed off and we were pumping straight out into the sea. Before you all scream about the environment, this is allowed in some places. Never eat fish caught in a Marina!!!
However, never trust a sales man. A month into using JESSICA we noticed that she had a slight list to the starboard (right) side and when we used the toilet there was a bit of a pong. We had no idea just how critical this was.
The smell got worse and worse. Roger described it as “chewy”. Meanwhile I had shares in Airwick air fresheners!!
We tried everything to fix it. Bottle loads of bleach and disinfectant down the head (just how good is that for the marine environment?) and loads of flushing – all to no avail. In fact the list to starboard increased.
Finally we discovered that the holding tank was full to dangerous overload. level. It holds 80 litres of black waste and in 3 weekends there was no way we had filled it so that meant we were carrying a tank full of the previous owners poo. Bear in mind that before we bought the boat she had been in a marina for 6 months not being used. It was fermenting right under our noses.
YUK YUK YUK!
We made an emergency dash for the nearest pump out station situated in the next door marina. “Just in time” management does not even begin to describe how close to an environmental disaster we were.
Nor am I going to attempt to describe the gungy sticky goo that we pumped out. It was a full bio-suit hazard looking for somewhere to happen.
Normality resumed. The starboard list was resolved and although I can’t say everything smelt of roses , it was a million times better than before.
Marina residents are a fascinating bunch of characters. Every marina will have a version of these indigenous types. They come from all walks of life but all with one purpose and that is to enjoy their boat.
Not normally their very first boat but have upgraded from trailing for one requiring a marina mooring. Looks like a rabbit stuck in headlights. wondering what the hell they have done.
Always spotted wearing life jackets at all times even if they are safely propping up the club bar. Their constant companion is the tide time booklet a and an old copy of Reeds almanac. Insists on calling the bow and stern the “pointy bit” and the “arse end”. Husband and wife have a wardrobe of matching nautical sweaters.
This type of boat owner gets their crew (wife) to meticulously cast off all lines as they attempt to leave the mooring only to find they have left the electric cable plugged into shore power.
Come on we have all done it.
Often go by the names of Howard and Hilda
The Gin Palace Owner
There are 2 sub categories of this type of resident. New money and old money.
GPO – Old Money.
Husband and wife have sailed for years but have had to give up the sticks and rags as a spot of rheumatism is begining to set in. Life long members of the yacht club, they still sit on the committee as rally/social secretary. Often found moored outside Cowes with huge amounts of family onboard sipping vast amounts of gin. Normal uniform is a club blazer and tie and for the wife cashmere twinset, pearls, and slacks (never trousers)
Charles and Fiona Double Barrelled Surname or Charlie and Feefee to friends.
GPO – New money
Not hard to spot due to their dress code. Look closely and as well as the suspiciously deep tan you’ll find that those ripped jeans are in fact £600 Dolce and Gabanas while the plain-looking deck shoes are limited edition Balenciagas.
If in doubt, sneak a glance at their wrist, they can’t resist splashing the cash on an expensive watch.
Always accompanied by a painfully stylish WAG who spends the day teetering down the pontoons in ten-storey Louboutin stilettos with flowing hair extensions tangling in the breeze. Enormous sunglasses and a pink skin-tight outfit are a must, as is a tan in a deep shade of Coppercoat.
Boat never seems to go anywhere as the resident WAG shudders in horror at the thought of not being able to reach her manicurist/hairdresser at a moments notice. And the chihuahua is seasick
Go by the names of Dwayne and Chantelle
The Family Boater
All he wants to do is have a nice day out with the family and his idea is to go fishing. He staggers onboard laden down with fishing gear and bait boxes
His poor wife follows closely at his heels with a trolley load of Tesco food bags, a cold box for the drinks, small portable BBQ, wet weather clothing , warm weather clothing and wetsuits. She is hoping for an afternoon reading this weeks edition of “Woman’s Weekly” and sipping warm Chardonnay.
Young son bounds along the pontoon laden down with water skis, inflatable donut, kayak, snorkels, fins and paddleboard.
Bringing up the rear is teenage daughter who is moaning constantly about how bad for the environment motorboats are. She alternates between taking endless “selfies”, texting and talking to her BFF in monosyllabic terms such as “yah”, “no way”, “whatever”. Her day is ruined as soon as they reach the mouth of the river.
No 3G – “Quelle horreurs”
The Grey Family, Graham, Gillian, Gary and Gayle
This is the type of person most people think of when they picture a boater, and the truth is they do exist; they’re just not as common as you might think.
The grizzled seafarer has spent years in the Merchant Navy and has the sea in his blood. He is always found on a sailing boat, MOBO’s are a complete anathema to him It his boat that gives him away. that has seen some serious weather. Mismatched fenders dangle from the sides accompanied by weathered and frayed ropes. GS’s love to discuss the finer points of their favourite type of knot, wearing a knitted jumper and a stained and greasy cap regardless of the weather. They permanently have an expression of serene superiority.
You find them propping up the bar with a pint of real ale, retelling the heroics of their latest single-handed trip in a force 10 westerly.
Normally have an ex navy name such as Old Sam or “Bosun”